The other day after a short period of being sick, I acknowledged this desire to die that I had. Instead of turning away from it, I turned towards it and became really present with it. At first it was sad, the fact that I had the desire was sad, so I cried and felt the sadness. Then after that I really became present to how long this desire had been with me and acknowledged that it had been there for quite a while, I just wasn't willing to look at it. Now I had the strength and ability to be with it. I wasn't afraid to look at it. I wasn't trying to pretend it wasn't there, or trying to talk it away with lovely sentiments like "there's lots to live for" etc. After being with it, I came to accept it, it's ok that I have that desire, and asked: what do I love about having the desire to die? and what came up is that it felt safe, comfortable, normal. Then I went deeper, asking what was underneath this desire, and what was underneath it was the desire to live. Why would I be hiding the desire to live? As I tuned into that desire it feels intense, unknown, unsafe. As I continued that exploration I got to the feeling of excitement, wonder, curiosity...what would it be like to choose to live and commit to my life? And as my awareness of that possibility expanded I could then look at the desire to die and release it, let it go, thank it for however it served me and I've felt so much lighter ever since!
I think one of the issues is that we have this notion that we should want to live and wanting to die is bad or wrong, so we avoid looking at those desires, or keep them a secret and never talk about them with people. What if now is the time to openly talk about these things? I had a conversation today with someone who I shared this with and she said you know, the other day I thought to myself I can drive off the side of this highway over the cliff or I can go home and go to bed. I'll go home and go to bed. We got to laugh about it and in another moment speak to some of the things that were up for her. It truly is not wrong to feel that way, it's merely an indicator that there is something to look at and explore if you so choose, and in that exploration new insights, inspirations, and awareness can come forward. Anything can change. At another point in my life the desire to die came up when I felt powerless and unable to change my circumstances. In that case underneath the desire was a demand for change that finally broke through and guided my life forward. I wonder what it would be like to feel free and safe to explore whatever thoughts, feelings and desires we are having, and emerge with a gift of new perspective that births new life?