Why You Don't Deserve Love
The way I see it, there are two dominate modes of learning on the planet, which I'll name as fear based learning and love based learning. In fear based learning love is a reward. If you're good, right and do enough you will be rewarded with love. The source of motivation that drives actions is the feeling or "truth" of being not enough, or not worthy until you do enough and prove yourself worthy or deserving. If you actually got the reward of love you'd stop learning. There would be no motivation, nothing to go for, no point to do anything. You could just put your feet up and rest. However, "there's no rest for the wicked," because according to the fear based system you are inherently bad and wrong and so you must continuously overcome this with acts of service, goodwill to others, and being an important part of society. The drive is to measure up, be better, improve, and meet expectations, while avoiding punishments such as feeling shame, totally worthless, pathetic, weak, a failure and so on.
There are some people who can succeed in the fear based learning model. They can control themselves in a way that keeps them doing the right thing, according to those around them, and apologizing anytime they don't measure up and immediately promising that they will try harder and do better next time. They are rewarded for their efforts and are given praise, acknowledgment and a sense of being accepted by or belonging with those around them. Other people fail to "learn" in this model. Instead they end up in this sea of disappointment and continual confusion, feeling totally wrong and oscillating between feeling sadness or deep grief and anger or rage. It's either, I'm totally wrong and pathetic and can't do this (beliefs leading to being overcome with sadness and grief) or the system or other people are the problem and I'm so angry that they aren't doing something to make this better or possible for me (feeling stifled, shut down, unable to express, lacking support, feeling like no one cares or no one is there to help regardless of how desperate you are).
Eventually we will seek for a new way, or cry out to God for help, or collapse from total exhaustion, or have a breakdown, or just know deep down that it doesn't have to be this way and demand to change the conditions. The way I see it, in these moments, or dark nights, we are working our way towards the graduation from fear based learning and the initiation into love based learning. This is a model where love is neither given nor taken away, it just is. You are loved, and progressively realize yourself as love. From this base of love, learning and growth is generated from a sense of exploration and curiosity. You desire to know yourself and others more deeply and discover what you most enjoy to be and do in the world. There will be certain things that you observe and witness in the world and within yourself that you know can be different. There is another way, or a different way, that is improvement or evolution from what currently is. You will not be "loved more," based on your actions, because you are already fully and completely loved. Instead, you follow your impulses or inspirations and experience your full range of sensations, feelings and ways of being and witness where that leads you. There may be times when you desire to go within and explore your inner world, or that of others (the depth, the richness, the vast expanse of what it is to be an incarnate being, to be here in this life at this time), or you may desire to do something in this world that can be seen and witnessed by others, a physical actualization of the possibilities that you are aware of.
So, have you graduated or are you close to graduating from the fear based learning model? Are you ready to explore learning from love? What would be like? This is potentially foreign to many of us here, as the punishment reward system has been in place for so long which is based on fundamental assumptions that either have never been true, or once were true and are not now....that we are inherently bad and would do harm if we weren't manipulated, dominated and controlled in "positive" ways with the promise of rewards if we stay in line and do good things (preventing our "true nature" from taking over).
To build on the title, you will never deserve love because love is not a reward, and you are love and can learn and grow from love as your base (when you realize yourself as such, and initiate yourself on this path of learning and growth). It can be a big task to make this shift. It can feel monuments, impossible or too much to ask, to consider the possibility of clearing and releasing all shame, blame, regret, guilt, anger, rage, fury and hate, but it is possible. The initial wound of being separated from love "in the beginning" is what spurred all these other effects. We are here and now is the time, to initiate ourselves into love based learning. If you would like to read some of my other blogs on the subject you can check out Love is Not a Reward, Beyond Worthy and Deserving, It's Time to Take the Pressure Off, Being Completely Resourced and Learning Lessons from Love. And if would like to receive some loving support to assist you to claim and know who you are, what if feels like and is like to know yourself as love and act from this base, please get in touch. I offer relationship coaching and personal mentoring to assist people to have this. It's here. The time is now.
On another note, I recorded a meditation a short while ago called "Acknowledging You in Times of Change". You're welcome to listen in if you're so inspired.
Would you like to claim, know and act on your true authentic desires? This is an invitation to become aware of anywhere you're desires have been clouded or tainted by the influence of the punishment and reward system. Instead of having your true desires born from within, that which benefits your learning, growth and evolution to knowing and being more of who you are, you may have adopted desires from the environment you grew up in that other's judged as good or led you towards social conditioned rewards, and suppressed or rejected any desires you intrinsically held that we're deemed bad or negative or led to you being punished.
What if right now you could re-claim, own, acknowledge and allow your true desires to re-emerge and be known to you. If there were no rewards and no punishments, what would you desire? What exploration or journey is authentically yours and what would it be like to deeply know and trust what arises as you ponder that question? Take a deep breath, and acknowledge any negative associations you have with positive desires, or any positive associations you have with negative desires. That's where we can lose sight of what's true for us, when we form these associations. Such as when I love myself I am rejected by others (positive desire with negative association) or when I hide what's most important to me I am accepted by others (negative desire with positive association). For a description of a technique to change your associations you can read my blog, What is True Caring?
So, in this moment of now, ask from within for your true authentic desires to be revealed to you, and as you come to know them, ask what it would take for them to be fulfilled! What would it be like to have your desires fulfilled? As the effects of the punishment/reward systems are cleared, as well as positive and negative associations, you can welcome in more clarity of knowing what is true for you, ultimately allowing for a greater flow and ease of life and living. If you would like assistance to get in touch with what you desire, or to clear or release any inauthentic desires you've become attached to having, please get in touch. How much more can we powerfully, easily and joyfully step into what's true for us and take action that bring true fulfillment? Is now the time?
The Gift of Your Presence
Is now the time to truly know the gift of your presence? I have an online class tomorrow with this theme, and yesterday recorded a meditation that I've included here. How much more can you receive the gift of you? What would it be like to embody the truth of you more deeply? What else can you acknowledge about you, and what is now the time to express?
Christine helps people to approach life with greater care, love & wisdom. offering presence and a unique quality of attention she can assist people to play an active role in their mental, emotional and physical health no matter what is going on. With all of the different tools and methods she has access to, she inspires, encourages and supports people to really love and honour themselves, and thus be more able to love and honour others. Through her patience, kindness and astute awareness of the body, mind and heart she accelerates people's self-healing journeys and makes the inner and outer world a whole lot easier to navigate!