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I think back 10 years ago when I was doing my undergraduate degree at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York. I was completing my Bachelors of Science degree and competing as a varsity athlete in rowing. I had taken human genetics, and cell biology, biochemistry, physics and all sorts of upper level courses that were very specialized. At that time the word energy would make me cringe. I would hear the word energy and immediately be like, what are you talking about? What are you referring to, ATP production in the mitochondria? My mom had a number of books in personal development and spirituality and I would open them up, read a few pages and proclaim this is fluffy nonsense! Where are the citations? Where is the supporting research? I wanted to see the graphs, the data, and the studies and confirm that they were peer reviewed, unbiased, and objective. I was also interested in who was conducting the research, who was funding it, and what were the drives behind it to draw out any conflicts of interest. To say the least I had a strong sense of what was right, and was quick to correct people with my highly developed intelligence, depth of study and obsession with higher learning.
Fast forward four years after my undergraduate degree, and after completing my Master’s degree in Counselling Psychology. The rug had been pulled out from under me. I was in an environment where no one cared what I had to say, my knowledge and degree of specialization was not valued nor even comprehended. I was often told I was intimidating. I would go to these interviews for jobs and people didn't even know where Cornell University was. It is one of the top US universities, very prestigious and ivy league. They were more interested in my experience, of which I had none. I was over qualified and under experienced. I had a career counsellor advise me to take my master’s degree off my resume because it was inhibiting me from being considered for the entry level positions that I required to get my foot in the door. Here I was entitled, expecting to be given everything because I had devoted my life to that point to academic achievement and athletic performance. To stay the least it was absolutely devastating! It felt like all my hard work and dedication was worth nothing and in addition it was inhibiting me socially because I couldn't just relax, drink a beer, sit on a patio and talk about the weather. I was utterly devoted to advancement, big thinking and forward movement. Long story short I got to the point of total collapse. My complete identity structure of being an accomplished athlete and an honors student was completely unravelling. All of a sudden my mom's fluffy nonsense books became my prized possessions. I read everything I could, devouring book after book. I was committed to understanding it all. Where did I go wrong? What mistakes did I make along the way? Why was I being punished like this? Then to a different set of questions...what now? I chose to start going to yoga (which before I had considered to be a waste of time...stretching? I don't have time for that...I was accustomed to training at a high level). I learned to slow down, breathe, listen, and notice people. I was willing to take a break from the need to share what I knew and just desired connection and intimacy. I was willing to give up everything that divided me, and made me feel superior, important or entitled. I learned humility. Of course the pendulum swung hard to the other side where I totally hid my intelligence, learned the language of spirituality and attempted to fit in using that. Instead of being "at peace" I was just shut down and had put all my energy into adapting to my environment and trying to be okay with what seemed to work for other people. Fortunately over the last few years I’ve found ways to move towards “me”, whoever and whatever that is. Fast forward to today, the word energy doesn’t make me cringe, in fact I’m facilitating energy sessions and assisting people’s bodies to wake up and receive something new, which is still very mysterious and unfathomable to the majority of people. I’m so grateful for everyone who is on this journey with me and I’m excited for who I can meet and how we can benefit each other’s lives and the world as a whole. It requires a lot of courage to let go of what we have been known for, or loved for, or appreciated for. It can be devastating when it feels like no matter what we do nothing changes, and it is totally exhilarating when the change that we’ve desired for so long finally materializes. This game of contrast is a fascinating one. Giving up everything you’ve been defined by so you can discover who you are. Being willing to lose what seems to have been your purpose or direction, only to find a purpose and direction that is so much greater. All I can say is here we are and I wonder where we can go from here! I’ve included a video of an energy alignment session I did recently. If I were to have watched this video 10 years ago I would have said, what the fuck is this? Is this fake?…actually, what’s more likely is I never would have seen it. It was way too far from the reality I was living in. And now, here I am, doing what brings me great joy and is totally out of this world, until it’s acknowledged, embraced and received as our world now. Love to all!
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Particularly over this last six months as I would watch a youtube video on psychology or spirituality or something of that sort, or read a book, or listen to a tele-call, this question started emerging...why am I doing this? Instead of being this joyful curious desire to learn more, it was more of a need. It wasn't like I even required the information per say (although it was easy to convince myself that that's what it was about), it was more like this pull, almost a minor addiction. Today I had a conversation with someone who said: now is the time to let go of being a good student. Tears welled up in my eyes and the sense of relief was palpable. Reflecting on my life as of late, as I would move more into my work in the world, facilitating, giving sessions, enjoying relationships, it always felt like there was something under the surface holding me back from the momentum I knew was possible and that there was something that was more important. What I can finally see now is that this role of being a good student was keeping me in this classroom of my own making, with this eternal need to learn more, never truly ready to go outside, share what I know now and get to love and support, and be loved and supported.
The theme today feels like dissolving the roles that hold me back or stop me from moving forward. In this example, I don't have to be a student in a classroom, or a spiritual student, or a student in an "Earth School" here to learn lessons. Today I give myself permission to graduate from that structure which has overtly or covertly dictated my life and my priorities for what feels like an eternity. I feel this space opening up, the freedom to be with people, evolve my work, express what I know and enjoy the journey. So for any of you, of whom the role of student is holding you back from the joy of living, what if now is the time to be set free?...to have desires, to live, to explore, to dream, to accomplish, and to have fun. I celebrate this time of graduation. I can now choose to watch a youtube video, listen to a call, or read a book, although now, it wont be so that I'm a good student who will one day be rewarded for my hard work, commitment, and dedication. Here is the poem I wrote today, assisting that aspect of me to release the reigns on my life, so that I may be free to pursue other dreams and aspirations. Good Student Good Student Class has been dismissed I noticed you have not left There you sit Staring at the front of the room May I ask what you are doing? The teacher has gone home You have fulfilled your agreement To show up and learn the lessons that were given to you You are free to go now It appears that you are waiting for something, or someone To tell you where to go or what to do The direction will no longer be imposed on you It will be chosen by you The creative impulse that was silenced, in order to function efficiently within this structure will re-emerge as you acknowledge it and call it forward once again You are free to dream, and create, and love and care for people You don't have to prioritize learning above all else Life is calling you It's your time to answer Today I received a phone call from a woman wondering if I wanted to buy her scripts. She saw an ad that I had posted that talked about the work I do clearing the mind and relaxing the body and thought that what she had may benefit. They were scripts around grief and loss, and health, and relaxation. She suggested I could read them out to my clients. After listening and provided her the space to share what she wanted to about this, I thanked her for the offer and wished her well in sharing her work with the world. May she connect with everyone that can benefit from what she has to offer. After I got off the phone this big energy came up for me. Reading out scripts? You want me to read out your script? What about what I desire to say? What about tuning in and being aware of what's there in the moment? What about saying something new and something different every time?
That’s what I’ve been doing most of my life reading off an imaginary script of what's right and good, perfect and correct and I can still feel a twinge of anger about it. I played out all the scripts that other people gave to me and where did it lead me (after the degrees and life as an athlete)?...To frustration, judgment of self, defeat, confusion and sense of doing something wrong and missing the mark. it has only been in the last few years that I have been willing to know myself beyond that! These last few years have allowed me to go beyond the script, tune into the moment, offer words I am inspired to say, listen to what people I’m with have to say and celebrate that expression. It got me thinking of the characters, roles, and costumes I’ve played out, being a perfectionist, an athlete, a student, a “spiritual” person, a “well-educated” person etc. I feel the most joy and the greatest sense of appreciation for living in the un-scripted moments. Allowing for what’s new to emerge, new thoughts, new ideas, new perspectives and being present to the palpable movement of energy, the dance, the connection, and the magic. I can read scripts, perfectly, accurately. I can memorize song lyrics, spent years memorizing things for tests, and can regurgitate what someone else said or what I read like nobody's business! It is an amazing skill set, that like any gift and talent, can work for me or against me. What I’m aware of now, is that I enjoy living beyond the script. I’m aware of the rules, the characters, the costumes and the roles, what’s deemed right and wrong, good and bad. It’s all there. In this moment I can also acknowledge my resistance, how I’ve decided those things trapped me, imprisoned me, and shut me down, but that is the voice of the rebel, desiring freedom and to break out of social conditioning and imposed norms. Beyond that though, is the freedom of letting go of the resistance. Acknowledging the gift of rules, roles, and characters and being willing to celebrate them, play with them, be a character and then forget the script, have a moment with people where we read the scripts and the next moment where we toss them out and laugh. It’s all good. I just wonder how much fun we can have living un-scripted, and playing with scripts, saying what we’re supposed to say and then forgetting what we’re supposed to say, saying what people need to hear, and then catching people off guard with words they didn’t expect to hear. I welcome the space to play, within, and beyond the scripted life. I shall meet you here, there and everywhere for the fun and joy of it. The lens through which you look at something determines what you see. The point of view you have determines how you see it. If you were looking at a city in the distance from the top of a mountain, the perspective you would have of it would be very different from the one gained by walking down the street in the city. For me recently, I became aware that in recent years I have often chosen to live from the witness observer perspective, seeing my life, people, and the world through that lens. In recent years I also had this desire to show up, participate, and contribute to changing realities, however I always felt blocked, or shut down, or unable to show up in the way that I wanted to and I didn't know why. I realized recently that this choice to stay in the witness observer perspective was keeping me from being an active participant in my life. I used to get these images of being on the sideline waiting for my chance to get on the field and play. At the time it felt like someone else needed to give me permission or give me the opportunity, and I had to wait for that moment, or continue to better myself so that I would be ready when the time came. In reality, it’s me, choosing to change my perspective and be an active participant rather than a passive observer.
What if now is the time to have ease changing perspectives? More and more I’m becoming aware of where I have been stuck in a fixed point of view, or where I had made someone else’s point of view more valuable and always evaluated my life or circumstances according to that. It’s a gift when we choose to view our lives from a point of view that is greater than the one we currently have. It’s like having a coach that knows you can be a phenomenal athlete and maintains that perspective even when you cant see it or doubt it. What would it be like to invite the perspectives that contribute to us thriving? What if now is the time to acknowledge the points of views we have been stuck in, and shift? Every point of view is a choice. When our perspective doesn’t allow us to move forward with what we desire, it’s time to change it. What if it was easier then ever to do so? I wonder what’s possible now. I’m choosing to step onto the field and play! Let the fun begin! |
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Photos used under Creative Commons from andrewmalone, Aitor Escauriaza, ComputerHotline, Dominic's pics, FredoAlvarez, jakeliefer, entirelysubjective, istopcrappics, globochem3x1minus1
