Often we can get caught in taking full responsibility for everything that goes on in our lives or in deciding we are not responsible for anything that goes on. The common ways of maintaining control over self or other is through the blame, shame and guilt model. Blame is a way to distract ourselves with the lie that someone or something else is at fault. Guilt is a way to distract ourselves by believing we are at fault for how we or others behave. Shame is a way to distract ourselves with the belief that we are inherently wrong or bad and thus deserve to be punished by the presence of what is undesired or the absence of what is desired. When we are distracted, spinning in the intensity of blame, shame and guilt with the emotional heaviness that comes along with buying into this system of control, we cannot see what is actually going on. What are we choosing? What are we refusing to acknowledge? What are we aware of? What can we change? What choices are available that we haven't acknowledged or considered? What do we desire to have as our future? What could we be or do different now to contribute to creating the future we desire?
Blame, shame and guilt is a system put in place to keep people distracted and dis-empowered. It is a way to keep people controllable. It's a way to control the self or control others. It allows for domination and manipulation to be effective. At its best, it's a way to encourage good or right behavior and prevent bad and wrong behavior. If you do the right thing you will be rewarded with good things and won't have to feel blame, shame or guilt. If you do the wrong thing you will be punished with pain or lack or with the withdrawal of love, resources and support and you get to feel blamed, shamed and full of guilt to varying degrees depending on the severity of what you've "done" or "not done." It keeps the deserving/not deserving, worthy/not worthy and good enough/not good enough realities alive as a justification for causing harm or refusing to be loving or kind. Blame is used to invoke shame and guilt in the one who has agreed to participate in this system of control. When someone is blaming they are refusing all responsibility for how they are showing up, and denying or refusing to learn how to effectively regulate their emotions and acknowledge their contribution to what's going on in their life. When someone has agreed to be run by guilt they will be swimming in this sea of the fear of doing the wrong thing, or feeling bad about what they've done. Under the control of guilt they are unable to see what choices they have. They can't see the possibilities. They can't be aware of what is available to change, and what other people are choosing or willing or not willing to change. The blame, shame, guilt model is harmful. It keeps people from knowing the frequency of love and being self-aware enough to choose to show up in ways that honor and benefit themselves and others.
Shared responsibility is about choosing to be aware of what's going on for you and what's going on for the people around you. It can be intense to have this level of awareness, and thus for a long time we actually believed we couldn't handle it, and chose to have blame, shame and guilt keeping us distracted and looping in emotional density, trying to get everything right so we could be rewarded or feel pleasure and avoid punishment or the infliction of pain. Are you ready to be aware of what's really going on? Would you like to know what choices you have available? Would you like to know what's going on for the people around you? The choice to be aware does allow for much more ease and capacity to know what's true and effectively communicate preferences and desires and see other people clearly. It can be intense for a while because we begin to be present with the things we previously decided we couldn't handle or didn't want to know. The fantasies start to fall away, and with that can come feelings of let down or loss and even depression or terror when seeing what's really going on, both in ourselves and others. However, through this enhanced awareness we become more empowered, more capable of showing up and being present in our lives. We can be available to receive joy, pleasure, bliss, peace, calm, sexual energy and more.
Life can become fun, playful, joyful and even orgasmic! However, don't ever be fooled by someone trying to sell you on it being so easy, or with the empty advise of "just let it go, just love yourself," or the "you just need to..." type advice. Only you truly know what you require and desire, and it may take awhile to re-claim the awareness of that when previously it was more about coping, or being a good person, or being focused on what the people around you needed or wanted. Take a deep breath, choose to acknowledge where you are and commit to your life. As the awareness of possibilities amplifies, the lightness that can permeate your body and light up your Being is truly amazing! Keep going, progressively releasing controls and claiming your choice to be, to have, to thrive and to celebrate you and know what is truly possible to have as your life! Now is the time. If you would like assistance with any of this go to the contact me page and request a free 20 minute consultation to see how our working together can benefit you. Here's a poem I wrote a number of years ago, calling in the energies that this transition from systems of control to systems of empowerment invites:
Refreshed and renewed
Centered in love
Letting the light shine
Remembering what it means to truly connect
Breathing in to the space created
Settling, drawing the mind into the present moment
It is here that beauty can be seen, felt and known
It is here that the depth of our being can be accessed
From this inner place of stillness inspired thought arises
Curiosity is sparked, innocence revived
Action flows effortlessly, in tune with what the moment is calling for
One step at a time, evolving towards a fuller expression of Self
Spontaneous waves of joy replace those of doubt
Peace calms the storms of fear
Thank you, thank you, thank you
May the blessings be
As we make the transition into greater consciousness and deeper self-knowing often our desires and preferences change. What we choose to say and do changes along with that. One thing that you may notice are moments of inner conflict, when how you would like to handle a situation or respond to life events or people will be at odds with your identity, or who you have known yourself to be. In other words, who you are becoming or stepping into no longer fits within the confines of the identity you've constructed. You may have an identity structure that is based on you being a nice person that is easy going and just goes with the flow and now the desires and preferences emerging within you may be expressed in a way that doesn't match or line up with that. Now is an opportunity to practice the art of allowing, choosing to allow your desires and preferences to be known by you and expressed by you. There may be ways that you have previously known yourself (old identities) that completely shift or fall away. Sometimes there is fear associated with this transition. Allowing the self is an act of love, however the loss of something, such as your identity, or who you think you are, is often taught or imprinted to be scary or fear inducing. What if it doesn't have to be that way?
You have a choice to put your attention on who and what you're becoming, on the new needs, desires and preferences that are emerging, or on the fear of what you're losing, which is actually identity structures that were confining you. We often grieve the loss of limitations, as although we say we want expansion and transformation and new beginnings, there is a loss of something that has become familiar or comfortable via its consistent presence. Even the loss of pain can induce grief. We've become accustomed to being limited, in lack, in pain, in separation, with identities based in fear, fear of rejection, fear of death, fear of abandonment, fear of judgment, fear of expectation or disappointment or punishment. All of this falls away, it ceases to be. The time comes when we wake up from that dream. We can hold the belief that this will result in bliss and total peace but know that creation is a new adventure. Knowing yourself and allowing your true self the space to express is a new adventure. It can include some discomfort and much internal adjustment. Your body may change, your voice tone, your behaviors, and as mentioned before your preferences, desires and needs may change substantially and even surprise you as they emerge.
Another practice that may become relevant is that of releasing attachment to identities. You can choose to be devoted or committed to kindness, gentleness, caring, honoring, love, joy, gratitude, happiness, peace and calm. It's valuable to acknowledge your preference and claim your choice, as that is an act of will that will draw to you support and many beings embodied who desire to step into greatness with you. However, it's also valuable to notice your I Am statements, and any that you have become attached to, such as I am nice, I am thoughtful, I am caring, I am attentive, as there may be moments where you don't desire to be that, or it wouldn't be honoring of yourself to be that. For instance, to be nice to someone who is being dis-honoring towards you may not be the greatest service to you or them. It may be more honoring to be firm or direct or strong. It may not be of value to be attentive to someone who is unkind or critical. It may be more of benefit to not listen well to the voices of criticism or to those who diminish greatness or can't support you or welcome your true expression, as it may shine the light on the darkness within them that they are not yet willing to see. It is a unique time on the planet. It's your choice how you show up for it, and the more you can re-claim your will or choice to choose, the more ease you can have being you, being here and showing up in allowance of your true desires and preferences being acknowledged and expressed. If you would like assistance navigating your current circumstances or your inner world get in touch. I'd be happy to stand with you and tune in and offer the presence of love and support which can assist you to enhance your ability to be loving and supportive towards yourself and others.
Sometimes we can get stuck when we deny where we are in the name of staying in the fantasy of where we should be or the desire to be somewhere else. On the flip side, we can refuse to acknowledge what we desire and name our preferences when we decide that we should just be where we are and accept what is. What if we now have the capacity to contain or include both the experience we are now having and the experience we'd prefer to have? We don't have to use one to invalidate the other.
This dynamic can play out within the self in various ways. One way is when we desire to be relaxed and at ease with our circumstances whereas in truth, we feel frustrated and powerless. The tendency in this scenario is trying to choose one or the other, either coercing ourselves to feel good or ok because we really desire to, or drowning in the discomfort of how we feel, in other words feeling powerless to our emotional or physical reality.
This dynamic can play out in relationship where someone else would say everything's fine, don't worry about it (because that's how they desire it to be for you) whereas in reality you are feeling upset, challenged by the circumstances you're in and not fine. When you feel like you have to dismiss or invalidate your experience and adopt theirs or resist their perceived insensitivity and reject their comments it leads to further conflict either played out within the self or with the other person. What if you could contain, include or validate other people's desires for you as well as your current experience?
What would it be like to increase our capacity to "be present" or fully be as we are and where we are AND acknowledge our preferences and desires for something different? We no longer have to deny where we are in favor of how or where we should be, nor do we have to exclude our desires or preferences for change in the name of "accepting what is." In addition to this we can then increase our capacity to celebrate when our desires and preferences match the reality we're experiencing.
As we increase our ability to contain in our awareness the experience we're having and the experience we desire to have as well as the thoughts, feelings and emotions associated with the contrast between the two, we can retire the old strategies we once used to try to find relief from mental, emotional, physical and energetic discomfort. Here are some of the strategies that we can retire when we don't have to choose one side and reject the other:
The accept what is strategies to retire:
The fixation on what should be or the focus solely on what you desire strategies:
So, in summary, what if now is the time to step into our capacity to contain both where we are now or "what is" AND what we desire to have or how we desire to think, feeling and act? And as we strengthen this ability, we can extend this approach to our interactions with others. How much more can we include in our awareness? What else can we choose as a contribution to the ease of living and the joy of being as we are, where we are, and embracing the change and difference that's possible?