Often we can get caught in taking full responsibility for everything that goes on in our lives or in deciding we are not responsible for anything that goes on. The common ways of maintaining control over self or other is through the blame, shame and guilt model. Blame is a way to distract ourselves with the lie that someone or something else is at fault. Guilt is a way to distract ourselves by believing we are at fault for how we or others behave. Shame is a way to distract ourselves with the belief that we are inherently wrong or bad and thus deserve to be punished by the presence of what is undesired or the absence of what is desired. When we are distracted, spinning in the intensity of blame, shame and guilt with the emotional heaviness that comes along with buying into this system of control, we cannot see what is actually going on. What are we choosing? What are we refusing to acknowledge? What are we aware of? What can we change? What choices are available that we haven't acknowledged or considered? What do we desire to have as our future? What could we be or do different now to contribute to creating the future we desire?
Blame, shame and guilt is a system put in place to keep people distracted and dis-empowered. It is a way to keep people controllable. It's a way to control the self or control others. It allows for domination and manipulation to be effective. At its best, it's a way to encourage good or right behavior and prevent bad and wrong behavior. If you do the right thing you will be rewarded with good things and won't have to feel blame, shame or guilt. If you do the wrong thing you will be punished with pain or lack or with the withdrawal of love, resources and support and you get to feel blamed, shamed and full of guilt to varying degrees depending on the severity of what you've "done" or "not done." It keeps the deserving/not deserving, worthy/not worthy and good enough/not good enough realities alive as a justification for causing harm or refusing to be loving or kind. Blame is used to invoke shame and guilt in the one who has agreed to participate in this system of control. When someone is blaming they are refusing all responsibility for how they are showing up, and denying or refusing to learn how to effectively regulate their emotions and acknowledge their contribution to what's going on in their life. When someone has agreed to be run by guilt they will be swimming in this sea of the fear of doing the wrong thing, or feeling bad about what they've done. Under the control of guilt they are unable to see what choices they have. They can't see the possibilities. They can't be aware of what is available to change, and what other people are choosing or willing or not willing to change. The blame, shame, guilt model is harmful. It keeps people from knowing the frequency of love and being self-aware enough to choose to show up in ways that honor and benefit themselves and others.
Shared responsibility is about choosing to be aware of what's going on for you and what's going on for the people around you. It can be intense to have this level of awareness, and thus for a long time we actually believed we couldn't handle it, and chose to have blame, shame and guilt keeping us distracted and looping in emotional density, trying to get everything right so we could be rewarded or feel pleasure and avoid punishment or the infliction of pain. Are you ready to be aware of what's really going on? Would you like to know what choices you have available? Would you like to know what's going on for the people around you? The choice to be aware does allow for much more ease and capacity to know what's true and effectively communicate preferences and desires and see other people clearly. It can be intense for a while because we begin to be present with the things we previously decided we couldn't handle or didn't want to know. The fantasies start to fall away, and with that can come feelings of let down or loss and even depression or terror when seeing what's really going on, both in ourselves and others. However, through this enhanced awareness we become more empowered, more capable of showing up and being present in our lives. We can be available to receive joy, pleasure, bliss, peace, calm, sexual energy and more.
Life can become fun, playful, joyful and even orgasmic! However, don't ever be fooled by someone trying to sell you on it being so easy, or with the empty advise of "just let it go, just love yourself," or the "you just need to..." type advice. Only you truly know what you require and desire, and it may take awhile to re-claim the awareness of that when previously it was more about coping, or being a good person, or being focused on what the people around you needed or wanted. Take a deep breath, choose to acknowledge where you are and commit to your life. As the awareness of possibilities amplifies, the lightness that can permeate your body and light up your Being is truly amazing! Keep going, progressively releasing controls and claiming your choice to be, to have, to thrive and to celebrate you and know what is truly possible to have as your life! Now is the time. If you would like assistance with any of this go to the contact me page and request a free 20 minute consultation to see how our working together can benefit you. Here's a poem I wrote a number of years ago, calling in the energies that this transition from systems of control to systems of empowerment invites:
Refreshed and renewed
Centered in love
Letting the light shine
Remembering what it means to truly connect
Breathing in to the space created
Settling, drawing the mind into the present moment
It is here that beauty can be seen, felt and known
It is here that the depth of our being can be accessed
From this inner place of stillness inspired thought arises
Curiosity is sparked, innocence revived
Action flows effortlessly, in tune with what the moment is calling for
One step at a time, evolving towards a fuller expression of Self
Spontaneous waves of joy replace those of doubt
Peace calms the storms of fear
Thank you, thank you, thank you
May the blessings be