As I've been speaking about in recent months fear based learning takes place in a classroom or environment born of fear and separation. The way you learn is to figure out how to go towards the good, right, positive and pleasurable things and away from the bad, wrong, negative and painful things. When you're off track or missing the mark, blame, shame and guilt will be there to teach you. In this environment we learn strategies of domination, manipulation and control of self or others to get our needs met or avoid consequences. In this classroom love is a reward. It is something to be sought, earned and deserved. We hope to become good enough for it or worthy of it. Usually the conditions are difficult and the majority of us end up failing or feeling like we just can't do it and might as well give up. Those of us not designed for this classroom can barely function in the absence of love. Thus we can't "make our lives happen" without it. Many of us have realized that this isn't the learning environment for us and have called for a new one.
In recent blogs I've been discussing some of the differences in the two different classrooms, especially that in love based learning, love is at the base of it. True learning and growth becomes available when we have this foundation available to us. We don't act to get love, we act from love. This allows our heart to be included in our actions rather than excluded. As we acclimate to this new frequency or environment, it can take a while to come to terms with what went on in fear based learning. Why do I feel so wounded? Why is my energy low? Why don't I have motivation? Where is my joy? We receive information, insights and what we need to heal and re-calibrate as we go.
One thing that can be developed or nurtured is this new space, is that of becoming responsive to love. In fear based learning, because love was a reward, it was often tied in with control. Essentially we had to perform for someone else or become what they wanted us to be in order to deserve it or get access to it. At some point many of us just couldn't do that anymore and became angry and resentful and decided that we didn't want to be controlled anymore, so gave up on going for the reward of love. Essentially, we trained ourselves to become un-responsive to love because in our minds it meant control. It was not freely offered, rather it was transactional. The set-up was, I'll give you love or attention and spend time with you, if you give me what I need and want. So the dominant association became, if someone is offering me love or attention it's because they want or need something from me. We learn to dis-trust love and give up on relationships.
So, as we acclimate to the frequency of love and establish it as our energetic and emotional base, we can begin to become aware of possibilities for love-based relationships. Love based relationships are inclusive of meeting each others needs but are not transactional in nature. The primary impetus is born of the desire to love and be loved and to be with people and have that sense of togetherness. As we are together needs, wants, desires and preferences are named and explored, and those that are true and real in the dynamic are met and fulfilled in whatever way is chosen. As we heal any wounding from transactional dynamics and fear based environments where we felt like a tool for someone's use, or an object, or a possession, then we can become more available to be with each other in the field and frequency of love and explore what is here. We can re-claim needs and desires and include them in the context of relationships in new ways. I wonder what will be different as we become responsive to love and available to meet each other in this new space. To explore this subject matter more you can also click on the titles to read my blogs: Establishing Love Based Relationships and Love is Not a Reward. You can also scroll through blogs from recent months and see if any titles jump out at you. May we all be loved, nourished, resourced and supported as we are now.
How do you know whether a change or action is born of control or love? Something that is born of control will have a positive or negative agenda alongside it. There will be a reason for the change, or a defined need for it. There will be a why, that is justified based on experience. It will feel hard and it will take effort to enact, usually quite a bit of manipulation or strategic maneuvering to get things moving. But yet, it will be deemed worth it, as the foreseen outcome or result is an improved, better or more desired state or condition than before. Something born of love, although pregnant with choice, doesn't feel like it. There is just this knowing that something new or different is ready to unfold. There is an exploration to be engaged, or met with curiosity and wonder. Although a reason for a change could be invented or established, in the truest sense, there isn't one. Yet inherent in the action is an innate intelligence or spontaneous wisdom that includes and considers what has gone before it and has a sense of what is to come.
For many, we have not truly known love in this world as of yet. We may have seen or felt expressions of it, or tasted moments of it, or caught glimpses of it, enough to yearn for it. As we breath and meet this yearning, perhaps now is the time when we will know love. This frequency, or quality, or sense of spaciousness or softness can move through our hearts, and bodies and minds and begin to change everything, spontaneously resolving that which was deemed impossible to modify or adjust or fix or improve with agenda. Our innocence is unmoved by agendas. It stares at them and wonders if the day will come when we will set them aside.
To participate in the realm of control and fear we put things in place and found a way to respond to agendas and adopt good reasons, well thought out justifications and appropriate directions. Now many of us are ready to give these up, surrendering the deep fatigue that sits on top of our innocence...that waits, for us, until we are truly ready to reclaim it. Then love can have its way, and move through the totality of the Self once again, with a smile. May we come to know this love and laugh as we surrender our failed attempts at control. We did so well pretending we knew what we were doing, when we knew deep down that something....everything, was missing. Now everything is here, to meet us beyond the realm of control where we can know love and taste freedom. It is not better, or right or good, just... different.