I've heard from a number of people things like, "my memory seems to be getting worse," "I can't remember things," or "I'm forgetting things easily." From my perspective there's this shift happening from having memory to having awareness. I don't have much memory of my childhood and for a long time that was made wrong or made to be a problem, or was just plain weird. As I've learned how to function with awareness, which is about asking a question and receiving information, I've discovered that I do have total awareness of my childhood I just don't store memories in my body/brain the way other people do. My sense is that as we make this shift in consciousness or do personal growth/development and choose to release stored emotions, do energy work on our bodies to shift patterns and release cellular memories of pain and trauma etc. that we will have less memory of our past but more awareness of it.
Recently I've been advising people who feel like their memory getting worse, to shift to asking questions to retrieve information. It is not wrong and it is not a problem to not have memory unless you make it so. The way to make it a problem is to decide that you should have better memory and then try to figure out what's wrong. Another choice available is to play with asking questions. An example would be, someone asks: who was your fifth grade teacher? And the first response may be "I don't remember", but instead of trying to rely on memory you ask a question...who was my fifth grade teacher? And allow for the awareness of that to come in. Or, a more present time scenario: you know you are supposed to call someone and then start feeling bad that you can't remember who it was and then you try to think hard about it. Instead, ask: who is it that I'm meant to call right now? And then be present to receive the information. It may come to you in that moment, or sometime later, which may just happen to be the best time to call them! It just takes practice to make this shift. May we have ease receiving the information and awareness that we require to flourish and be fulfilled now and in the future, whether we have a "good" memory or not.
The other day after a short period of being sick, I acknowledged this desire to die that I had. Instead of turning away from it, I turned towards it and became really present with it. At first it was sad, the fact that I had the desire was sad, so I cried and felt the sadness. Then after that I really became present to how long this desire had been with me and acknowledged that it had been there for quite a while, I just wasn't willing to look at it. Now I had the strength and ability to be with it. I wasn't afraid to look at it. I wasn't trying to pretend it wasn't there, or trying to talk it away with lovely sentiments like "there's lots to live for" etc. After being with it, I came to accept it, it's ok that I have that desire, and asked: what do I love about having the desire to die? and what came up is that it felt safe, comfortable, normal. Then I went deeper, asking what was underneath this desire, and what was underneath it was the desire to live. Why would I be hiding the desire to live? As I tuned into that desire it feels intense, unknown, unsafe. As I continued that exploration I got to the feeling of excitement, wonder, curiosity...what would it be like to choose to live and commit to my life? And as my awareness of that possibility expanded I could then look at the desire to die and release it, let it go, thank it for however it served me and I've felt so much lighter ever since!
I think one of the issues is that we have this notion that we should want to live and wanting to die is bad or wrong, so we avoid looking at those desires, or keep them a secret and never talk about them with people. What if now is the time to openly talk about these things? I had a conversation today with someone who I shared this with and she said you know, the other day I thought to myself I can drive off the side of this highway over the cliff or I can go home and go to bed. I'll go home and go to bed. We got to laugh about it and in another moment speak to some of the things that were up for her. It truly is not wrong to feel that way, it's merely an indicator that there is something to look at and explore if you so choose, and in that exploration new insights, inspirations, and awareness can come forward. Anything can change. At another point in my life the desire to die came up when I felt powerless and unable to change my circumstances. In that case underneath the desire was a demand for change that finally broke through and guided my life forward. I wonder what it would be like to feel free and safe to explore whatever thoughts, feelings and desires we are having, and emerge with a gift of new perspective that births new life?
Do you enjoy giving people support? Do you enjoy receiving support from other people? Often the enjoyment of either of these is dependent on the meaning that is associated with support. For me receiving support used to be very difficult because the underlying meaning was that I couldn't do it by myself and there was something wrong with that, and it meant that I was incompetent, not capable or weak. This would sometimes keep me from giving support because I didn't want to make other people feel that way. It's a gift to become aware of these meanings and associations that we've assigned to things, so that we can update them, give our experience new meaning, and be able to receive what people desire to give to us and give support from a place of love and appreciation.
There's this term in Access Consciousness called SHICUUUU which stands for secret, hidden, invisible, covert, unseen, unsaid, unacknowledged and undisclosed. Often what happens is that on the surface we think something should feel good, like someone gives us a gift, or is there to support us with something, or offers us love and attention, and for some reason it doesn't feel good, or we feel angry, irritated, or resistant. If you are having a moment of thinking this should feel good, why doesn't it? Take a look at this SHICUUUU stuff, it can bring you tremendous freedom! For instance, I had someone in my life who when he would offer support would give me the message (mostly unspoken) that I should be able to support myself in this way, but because I couldn't he was willing to step in. So alongside the offering of support was this invalidation and lack of acceptance of where I was and/or who I was. For a long time I wasn't able to see this, and was always confused why I felt bad when I received support. I assumed, what many of us do, that it was because I "had a hard time receiving," which wasn't really the case. The reality was that I had a hard time feeling invalidated and not accepted. When I acknowledged that, there was this sense of relief and it gave me the choice to provide myself with the validation and appreciation that I didn't receive from that person, and freed up my ability to give and receive support.
So, when giving support, take a moment to pay attention to anything SHICUUUU that goes along with it. For those of us who are energetically aware it won't feel good when it's out of alignment with love and appreciation. Also, when you are receiving support and it doesn't feel good, ask: is there something SHICUUUU here for me to be aware of? It's okay if there is something there. It's not about being perfect, or getting it right, it's about awareness and often the moment we get to what's true everything lightens up.
One thing to keep in mind is that often we invite people into our lives to assist us to unravel or let go of these meanings and associations we've attached to giving and receiving and this process isn't always comfortable! For instance, when I first started inviting people into my life who could offer love and attention when I was "emotional", it was highly uncomfortable. I found it irritating that they wanted to be there for me. What was happening was that their presence and willingness to be there was unravelling my previous experiences of people trying to get me to stop feeling by offering statements such as "you're ok, you're fine, get over it, it's not that big of a deal." My previous way of handing emotions was to explain them away using logic, reason and justification. The invitation I was being provided with was to process emotions differently. Making that shift was uncomfortable and beautiful all at the same time. In saying all of this, the invitation is to notice who and what is showing up in your life now. Welcome in the support from those who are here to assist you to unravel and let go of previous meanings and associations that keep you from the fulfilling, joyful life experience you desire to have. Welcome in opportunities to provide other people with genuine support. When things don't feel good, when you're giving or receiving, ask: is there something SHICUUU for me to be aware of? May we all give and receive the support, love and appreciation we desire to have! If you would like support to become more aware of what is SHICUUUU, it's one of my specialties. Please get in touch to set up your free 20 minute consultation.
For years I resented my degrees because I didn't feel like they prepared me for the world of work. I had grown up with belief that if I did the right thing, got A's, and continued on to do degrees then everything after that would work itself out. An amazing question a facilitator asked me the other day is: "Did you expect your degrees to create your life for you?" And my answer was yes. Yay for that awareness! Now I feel more capable of choosing to create my life rather than waiting for someone or something else to create it for me.
Lately I've been acknowledging a resistance in me to being controlled. I don't like someone else telling me what to do, or dictating my choices. Today I had the awareness that I actually enjoyed functioning within a structure that was "controlled". In academia I knew where I was going and what I was doing, I had a course outline, specifically defined goals and the means to achieve them through focus and commitment. What created the experience of tremendous pain and grief was when that structure was "taken away from me" and no one was there to assist me to make that transition and guide me on how to move forward. What I acknowledged today is that I don't actually resist being controlled, guided, or told what to do, I just had something in my energetic system that was protecting me from the loss of that. The decision was that I could not live through that experience of being coached, guided and directed and then having that being taken away from me "again". As an adaptive strategy to avoid that experience, I created safety through just living in the present moment and having no coach, no guide and no direction. Not having it was safer and easier than having it be there and then be taken away. On the surface though, I desired to be directed, goal oriented and moving towards something and it was painful and confusing why it was so hard to do so.
What in your life are you refusing to have because you've decided you can handle it being given to you and then taken away? What I'm being present with today, is that I do have the tools to be with that experience. I can be present to receive what is given, and I have the tools and capacity to feel whatever comes up if/when something is "taken away" or "leaves" my experience. With this new awareness I'm able to unravel this energetic pattern that keeps me from having direction, being guided, moving towards goals and enjoying structure. I share this with you today as an opportunity for you to potentially become aware of what's keeping you from having what you desire to have, moving towards new experience, and receiving the tools so that you have the capacity to feel and be present to your experience so you aren't stuck in resistance and avoidance. What if now is the time to receive the gift of new awareness and be willing and able to change and transform what we haven't been willing or able to before now?