Reflections and Where I Am Today

I think back 10 years ago when I was doing my undergraduate degree at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York.  I was completing my Bachelors of Science degree and competing as a varsity athlete in rowing.  I had taken human genetics, and cell biology, biochemistry, physics and all sorts of upper level courses that were very specialized.  At that time the word energy would make me cringe.  I would hear the word energy and immediately be like, what are you talking about?  What are you referring to, ATP production in the mitochondria?  My mom had a number of books in personal development and spirituality and I would open them up, read a few pages and proclaim this is fluffy nonsense!  Where are the citations?  Where is the supporting research?  I wanted to see the graphs, the data, and the studies and confirm that they were peer reviewed, unbiased, and objective.  I was also interested in who was conducting the research, who was funding it, and what were the drives behind it to draw out any conflicts of interest.  To say the least I had a strong sense of what was right, and was quick to correct people with my highly developed intelligence, depth of study and obsession with higher learning.

​Fast forward four years after my undergraduate degree, and after completing my Master’s degree in Counselling Psychology.  The rug had been pulled out from under me.  I was in an environment where no one cared what I had to say, my knowledge and degree of specialization was not valued nor even comprehended.  I was often told I was intimidating.  I would go to these interviews for jobs and people didn't even know where Cornell University was.  It is one of the top US universities, very prestigious and ivy league.  They were more interested in my experience, of which I had none.  I was over qualified and under experienced.  I had a career counsellor advise me to take my master’s degree off my resume because it was inhibiting me from being considered for the entry level positions that I required to get my foot in the door.  Here I was entitled, expecting to be given everything because I had devoted my life to that point to academic achievement and athletic performance.  To stay the least it was absolutely devastating!  It felt like all my hard work and dedication was worth nothing and in addition it was inhibiting me socially because I couldn't just relax, drink a beer, sit on a patio and talk about the weather.  I was utterly devoted to advancement, big thinking and forward movement.

Long story short I got to the point of total collapse.  My complete identity structure of being an accomplished athlete and an honors student was completely unravelling.  All of a sudden my mom's fluffy nonsense books became my prized possessions.  I read everything I could, devouring book after book.  I was committed to understanding it all.  Where did I go wrong?  What mistakes did I make along the way?  Why was I being punished like this?  Then to a different set of questions...what now?  I chose to start going to yoga (which before I had considered to be a waste of time...stretching?  I don't have time for that...I was accustomed to training at a high level).  I learned to slow down, breathe, listen, and notice people.  I was willing to take a break from the need to share what I knew and just desired connection and intimacy.  I was willing to give up everything that divided me, and made me feel superior, important or entitled.  I learned humility.  Of course the pendulum swung hard to the other side where I totally hid my intelligence, learned the language of spirituality and attempted to fit in using that.  Instead of being "at peace" I was just shut down and had put all my energy into adapting to my environment and trying to be okay with what seemed to work for other people.

Fortunately over the last few years I’ve found ways to move towards “me”, whoever and whatever that is.  Fast forward to today, the word energy doesn’t make me cringe, in fact I’m facilitating energy sessions and assisting people’s bodies to wake up and receive something new, which is still very mysterious and unfathomable to the majority of people.  I’m so grateful for everyone who is on this journey with me and I’m excited for who I can meet and how we can benefit each other’s lives and the world as a whole.  It requires a lot of courage to let go of what we have been known for, or loved for, or appreciated for.  It can be devastating when it feels like no matter what we do nothing changes, and it is totally exhilarating when the change that we’ve desired for so long finally materializes.  This game of contrast is a fascinating one.  Giving up everything you’ve been defined by so you can discover who you are.  Being willing to lose what seems to have been your purpose or direction, only to find a purpose and direction that is so much greater.  All I can say is here we are and I wonder where we can go from here!  I’ve included a video of an energy alignment session I did recently.  If I were to have watched this video 10 years ago I would have said, what the fuck is this?  Is this fake?…actually, what’s more likely is I never would have seen it.  It was way too far from the reality I was living in.  And now, here I am, doing what brings me great joy and is totally out of this world, until it’s acknowledged, embraced and received as our world now. Love to all!


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