Say for instance you desire to have a kind, caring, loving partner and you know that you can have that. At the same time, say you have been let down a number of times, have been with people who were conditionally loving, whom you couldn't trust, who were kind sometimes but mean and dismissive other times, who cared but only when it suited them. Those sorts of events create pain, hurt, discomfort and all sorts of things. Often we've done our best to heal these things, rationalize them, take a heavy dose of spiritual truths like they did the best they could, everything happens for a reason etc. Either way, there is often unprocessed anger, sadness and grief that at the time the events happened we couldn't handle or face, or didn't have to the tools to navigate, so we supressed it and then gave our minds the job to protect us from this hurt and pain. At the same time this is happening, we often have the desire to feel good and feel happy, which also keeps us from looking at or paying attention to the hurt or pain. The desire to feel good is beautiful, it's just that when the approach to feeling good includes denying the totality of our experience, it can keep us from true resolution and change.
Often when we feel somewhat resolved, or present, or ready for something new we can be frustrated as to why what we truly desire isn't showing up. One thing to be aware of is that when we receive what we've never had, it often brings up all of the unresolved pain of not having it. That's why someone being genuinely kind, caring and loving can literally hurt. The presence of the love, kindness and caring calls forward anything unresolved to be resolved. It can be tremendously confusing when someone shows up to love and appreciate us and it doesn't feel good! What's really going on is that the pain of being unloved and unappreciated is coming up due to the power of the love and appreciation to transform it. Often, when our mind is busy protecting us from feeling the hurt and pain within us, it can keep us from allowing and inviting what we truly want into our life.
So, what's the solution? One aspect to this is to re-claim the willingness to feel and ask for people to demonstrate what this looks like if we've never been taught or shown this. Secondly, as this willingness opens up, we can thank the mind from protecting us from pain and wonder or become curious about what it would be like to know that it is safe to feel. It can often make a difference to have someone with us, to assist to create a safe space where our body can relax and we can really let go. At the time the mind took control we really thought we couldn't handle the hurt and pain that we felt. Sometimes it is about affirming that is different now (through the true acknowledgement of what is different), and that we have tools and resources we didn't have then. If the support is in place, what was life threatening at 5 years old (from a feeling perspective) may today be a 30 second release of tears. Thirdly, it can make a world of different to have this very awareness, that having what we truly desire can surface the unprocessed or unresolved pain of not having it. If our top priority from a mental, emotional, subconscious or energetic perspective is to protect ourselves from pain, we will refuse to have what we will truly want, unless we have resolved and integrated the pain of not having it, or the pain of having what we didn't want.
I say that now is the time to have all the information, to no longer be stumbling in the dark feeling confused. We can be present to the yes of having what we truly desire, and also present to the no's. Sometimes it's hard to see the no's, or we've been taught to pretend that they aren't there, and the reason things aren't working or showing up is because of someone or something else. Wouldn't it feel good to know that you can have what you desire? As we get on board with the willingness to feel and the choice to resolve and integrate past hurts, it becomes so much easier to welcome in new experiences. If you feel you'd like support with this, please let me know. I'm deeply committed to assisting people to transform their inner landscapes so that they/we can show up in relationships and in the world with more clarity, peace, love and ease.